This V-Day, take stock in how you communicate
Almost everyone could do more to avoid or reduce the chances of going through a divorce (not counting abusive situations). Some common reasons for filing for divorce might seem obvious, but they are usually incorrect.
If someone cheats, for example, most people think that is the reason the couple is divorcing. But when you look at it a little deeper, most cases of adultery occur long after problems arise in the relationship. For instance, if the spouses had not had sex for 10 years and then one party had an affair, is the affair truly the cause of the divorce? Sure, the affair may be the proverbial “last straw,” but there were likely problems for years.
Yes, I could repeat stories of couples who filed for divorce because “he cheated” or “she spends too much time at work” or “we don’t talk anymore” or “he has been gambling away our retirement,” but before these events occur, there are many opportunities for spouses to try to fix things. Thinking about how the other partner feels, trying to address their concerns, listening: These are small things that can go a long way.
In my opinion, communication is the No. 1 problem in marriages that leads to divorce. Spouses often forget the good things they like and love about each other and don’t recognize or appreciate them over time. People come to expect the good qualities and complain about the negative ones. Communication, even if assisted by a therapist, family member, church leader or a close friend, can help spouses keep their marriages intact.
Other reasons that form the basis for most divorces are a bit cliché. My favorite is “the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence.” Also, if absence makes the heart grow fonder, then perhaps closeness makes the heart grow less fond? Or put another way, you “don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone.”
There were reports years ago about the divorce rate being very low in Israel, when every man (and woman) had to serve mandatory reserve military duty of 30 to 90 days per year. It seemed that just when marital strife was at its height, one spouse had to leave for a month or so and each realized what they actually missed about the other.
If a marriage can’t be reconciled, the saddest part for me is that most often, only one person feels that way. If both parties agreed on divorce, it would be easier, but when one person is committed to divorce and the other is not, people do crazy things to try to save the marriage.
People offer to give their partner all their money if he or she will stay. If what you want is a marriage, throwing money at it or making promises to do better isn’t enough. Recognizing poor communication, listening to your partner and making time to discuss and hear how the other feels are the very best ways to reduce the chances of divorce.
Maybe this Valentine’s Day, in addition to roses or chocolates, book an hour or two with your spouse to simply talk and reconnect. Perhaps a “staycation” at a nice hotel? Yes, it could cost a bit, but not as much as a divorce (and is certainly less painful).