What it’s like being a divorce lawyer on Valentine’s day.
This is a copy of my recent blog written for LinkedIn:
It is very interesting being a divorce lawyer on Valentine’s Day. Yes, at times I feel bad being in a profession that is part of the process of breaking up, except that I know in my heart that I did not cause the break up; rather, my job is to bring closure and to get it done so that each side can move forward. I did not create the often bad feelings that exist between divorcing spouses. At times I can help reduce them, but often it is a matter of time until each side recognizes that they really must resolve things so that they, and more importantly their children, can put this stuff behind them. Interestingly enough, Valentine’s Day sometimes seems to do the trick. Perhaps it is because divorcing spouses see how things could and should be and perhaps they then recognize how far they are from that place, that they then try harder to resolve things. Yes, we see many more offers of settlement around and after Valentine’s Day. It may be subconscious, but it is a time of hope and caring. And this is the person you used to care so much about, how can your feelings towards them be so harsh? Valentine’s Day and the surrounding ads, aisle displays in stores and TV shows related to Valentine’s Day force us to see how good love is (and by implication how bad it is not to love or not to have someone to love).
I was interviewed this week, Valentine’s Day week for two stories, one in the New York Times (see article at: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/14/garden/the-secrets-hidden-at-home.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0) and one for DailyFinance.com (see article at: http://www.dailyfinance.com/2013/02/15/prenuptial-argreement-finance-love-money/).
The New York Times piece discussed hiding information from a loved one…and getting caught. The other piece focused on prenuptial agreements. Interesting that articles relating to marital discord or potential discord ran on Valentine’s Day (The NY Times piece was on Valentine’s Day, the other was the day after).
For me, it was also a time to reflect. Of course I am reminded daily of how bad things could be, as I watch other people’s difficulties. But I am also reminded that there is hope for everyone. And more importantly, that divorce is not an end, it’s a beginning. By the time people hire me, their marriage has often been over for years. What my firm and other firms like mine are hired to do, is to help make the transition as smooth as it can be and to allow the parties to start over. There has to be a financial division and arrangements for the children. Without such formalized arrangements there would be chaos. Parents would take kids when they felt like it, empty bank accounts, etc. Giving structure to a separation is vital. But at the same time, we must know and feel that we are offering hope. Hope of a new life. While money is always tighter after a divorce and while children certainly struggle, if there is organization and structure within this chaos and upheaval, and more importantly, predictability, people will fare better. They will be able to focus on other things, their relatives, their jobs, their hobbies, their art or whatever it is that makes them really happy. And this helps them heal and get back into the real world and out of the divorce world. And once there, it is my hope they again find love and a future with someone they love.